Woman Atong

I’ve been thinking a lot about integration lately. My time in Tongariki is coming to an end and it’s hard for me to explain what I think about Tongariki or how I feel about it now. I’m glad I went there, but I don’t think I would encourage just any volunteer to follow me. This makes me sound like a jerk. I’m not trying to say that I’m the best and greatest PCV of all time, and anyone who’s met me can point out some of my flaws very easily. But I do think that you need certain qualities to do well at a very isolated, very small, very inward-looking site. You need to be able to work by yourself, without a lot of direction, instruction, or collaboration. You need to be able to find the energy within yourself to go forward every day and continue with your projects. I guess what I’m saying is that you can’t need other people—really, really need them—and expect to do well at an isolated site. I’ve been lucky enough to find some really good friends in Vanuatu who are terrific people, but they’re not there at site with me. It’s not overwhelming; I’m not saying that. But it is a lot to take in. Two years and change, and just living on Tongariki is still a lot to take in.

The thing that’s a lot to take in about Tongariki is how much I am a part of something that, shortly, I won’t belong to anymore. When you live on these little islands, you end up really fully committed to everything around you. (What else could you do?) You eat the same things, you do the same things, you go the same places, you talk to the same people … You don’t have a sense of distance from your community, which, sometimes, you do want. The result is that frankly, I don’t feel like an autonomous, independent professional. I feel like a yangfala, which I pretty much am.

It’s weird about me to think about integrating now because I feel so integrated, honestly to the point that I’m looking forward to having a different living situation next year. Sometimes I’d like to be able to drink a shell of kava without my favorite aunties knowing about it. I think integrating is complicated ... You have your own life except that you don't except that you do, but only with certain limitations. I'm glad that I have had this experience and that I'll never really fantasize about what my life would be like if I was more out there. But my goal for next year: bread.